Incosquential Musings

5:40

4:02

I haven't updated in a while because I feel like I have nothing important to say. To be perfectly honest, I'm a tad embarrased by the lack of focus or purpose of this blog. I read and follow alot of blogs; feminist blogs, fashion blogs, photography blogs, the works, and pretty much each and every blog I read makes me think, evokes an emotion in me, makes me look at my life and reevaluate it- whether in a small way or a big way. I'm planning on adding a blogroll to this here blog whenever I find the energy; I would like to share my interests with whoever poor sod reads this. (I think I might have broken a record for writing the word "blog" too many times in one paragraph.)

Honestly, I've been thinking about alot of things lately, and I feel like if I don't write it down somewhere my head will explode. I've been thinking, for one, about school. I'll be returning to school full time for my senior year in September, and I'm nervous about it. I've spent the last year locked up at home studying frantically. And while I did get a lot of necessary things done, it was an incredibly boring year- stressful without the company of friends to lighten it up. I lost touch with a lot of friends, something which is mostly- thought, I suppose, not entirely- my fault. And to return like nothing changed will be wierd because I changed a lot in my year of soltitude, and I don't know how to introduce those changes to my academic life and all it's extensions and associations, so to speak.

The thing about me is that I'm the introverted, quite type. I was never the girl who had a ton of friends, but I did have friends. And over the past couple of years the strenght of these friendships dwindled pathetically, so much so that sometimes I feel like I'm lying to myself when I call my friends "friends". I think it's mostly because I can't really just say what's on my mind to most of them. I'm too wierd, my logic is twisted, whatever. That is entirely my fault, but I can't bring myself to just open up and put it out there. This is where I'm supposed to insert my lame excuse, and it's truly pathetic...; I'm too tired. There- I've said it. I'm too tired to make friends or keep friends or whatever. It takes energy which I don't have, and I feel like no matter how hard I try I'll always fall short, and failing is something I don't take to kindly. I guess no one does though, which makes me look like an even bigger loser. (Random tidbit; my name- when translated to English literally means Winner)

I started this blog because I wanted to occupy my time with something concrete this summer. And though I haven't been doing too good a job of updating regularly, it did banish the inevitable boredom somewhat. It has kept me photographing, at the very least. Although a large chunk of my time is dedicated to reading other people's blogs, like I mentioned earlier in the post. I do hope to turn this thing around soon, when I find my voice. This blog will stop being so aimless and random as soon as I find an aim. I don't know if anyone reads this, and I guess it doesn't matter, because, more than anything, I'm keeping this public blog for myself, so I'd feel like I'm contributing something, however silly and insignificant, to the world I occupy- the one that exists outside my head.